dear hopeless romantic

the hopeless romantic:

to be able to give your heart to someone should be something that should come as a second nature...

but life's events have come to make that almost impossible, because the past has left scars that leave an ever present reminder of the tears and misplaced trusts.

the want for the same kind of vulnerability seems to be gone... but deep beneath the scar tissue the flame, barely lit, is still there.

though the scars are numerous and visibly present the want still exists...

the want is something that will always be present, though at times it may feel to have disappeared.

the want is never clearly defined, perhaps its the hope that not everything is as dim and bitter as the lenses of our altered eyes make them to be.

the want may one day reveal itself in a stranger whose eyes you fall deep into.

the want may be something that seems against the odds.

whatever the want is... when you feel it, it should feel wrong to turn away from it.

life has unforgiving circumstances and perpetual obstacles...

but is it so wrong to believe that when the want is strong enough to form a special union, that even though the odds are highly stacked against you that fire may burn a little harder... even if

its the slightest almost unnoticed increase?

some of us have taken beatings

some have made unforgivable mistakes

some of us are scared

and some of us have fallen to ideals of realism...

is it wrong to fall victim to the liberation of being a hopeless romantic... even if it may hurt us in the end, would it not be a more interesting story to say that against the odds you gave it the best shot you had... even if it was the biggest long shot you've been face to face with.

the reminder is that not everything you have felt once returns...

once you've felt it, it has made its place in your life the one thing that is always unknown is if a new want will have a greater intensity or if its something that you get one chance to experience... either way the sad thing is when you let it pass you by.

...it may just be that it takes a fighter to be a hopeless romantic in our harsh but beautiful world.

I want to take back every moment i spent away, just to have one more day.I would hold your hand from sun rise to sun down, and listen to your wise words for just one more round.I'd tuck you in bed every night and make you black coffee just how you like.But most of all I'd say thank you for giving me the will to fight...

home...
I walked away, without noticing how fast i was actually running.
Hurt blazed my eyes and the pain eventually made everything turn white.
but i pushed on, i pushed myself into this...

Home, the place i call home is not my home, it never was.
Home was an escape, something i fled to just so I could live through one more day.
Home was where i opened my eyes to a love that was once blind.
Home was where i learned of love, love that will forever burn, roaring with inextinguishable light.
Home was where i learned to open my heart, to experience an unquenchable thirst.
Home was where I felt like i belonged, for the first time in a long time, a spot i fit in perfectly.
Home was my family, blood did not matter... we loved each other just the same.

but now, it feels like this doesn't matter. I made it not matter.

life came flooding in, like the damn apocalypse.

Life made it hurt, it made it burn.
Life made me cry, until there was no more feeling inside.
Life made me weak, to the point that I turned away from my home.

Life made home just another place to hang.
Life made home blind.
Life made home routine.
Life made home cold, my heart froze.
My place at home just didnt fit.
Words made home broken.

I eventually ran away from home.


So now, im here i pushed myself to the bottom.
Knees bloody and fingers sore I have stopped digging, clawing further down.
Knees bloody and fingers sore, Im reaching and Im pulling.
And I wont stop until I get to the top.

If i could take everything back, I would.
Id beg on my knees until the sun refused to shine.
I would walk until my legs would break.
I would take back every hurtful word.
I would hold on and never let go.
I would shut up and listen.


My home matters this much, it matters enough to stop the act. But I cant take any of it back, the silly thing about life is that there are no 'take backs' or rewind buttons.
But the more I replay this past year, the more i learn... the more i see.

We stopped listening and began to assume that we had heard everything, that we had learned enough.
We stopped feeling.
WE LET OUR HOME FALL, RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES!
we stopped seeing the broken, and we became the broken.
The way we degrade each other, our family, makes us no better than the ones we are meant to save.
When will we shut up and listen?
We are all responsible, we all made choices.
whether they were right or wrong, I guess we will never know.

I miss home.
I miss seeing my favorite people when I walk in.
I miss just listening.
I miss being engulfed in love.
I miss knowing that I have a family...


What can I say?
We are human, God's most perfect imperfection.

I learned life hurts. The tears, the loss, the heart break and the heart ache are all inevitable. But the happiness, the laughter, the love and the purpose of life cant exist without the stuff that hurts. The decisions I have made in my past have led me to where I am now, and the decisions I make now will pave my future.



Choice, life and state of being don't exist without a base. For a long time people where my base, and I could never understand why I would crumble. As I sit and watch the people around me, I see people using other people as a base, as a crutch. And I watch them all fall like dominoes. Whether people rely on other people, or rely on themselves they fall. People of faith fall, sometimes harder than others...
So this is my prayer. Every time we feel tempted, I pray we feel God's thick presence and that it will saturate. Every time we give in, I pray he will not let us forget. And every time we cant find peace, I pray we know that there is peace in knowing you are forgiven.

confusion.
I cant think, there are no words nor explanations.
?
thats all I see,a question mark.

Not mad, more like hurt.
Everything said, everything preached, everything that was once shoved down
my throat has been taken back on.

All the tears they made me cried, were literally for nothing.

The trust I once had, which has never been restored still hurts.
I felt like a rag thrown down on the floor.
Not acknowledged, not ignored more like completely forgotten....

I'm scared.
Life is short, and my fear is that I'm watching it go by.

Where do I start? When can I cry? Where do I go? How do I begin? Who do I trust? How does it end? When is it okay? When will it be over? How much longer do I have to hurt?

I'm scared, for the first time in my life I'm actually scared to the point that I cry. I'm scared that I wont be able to give myself completely. I'm scared that my heart has been stretched to the point that its tearing.

My heart can't, it wont. I'm tired of putting my heart into things that let me down. There is no point when you give, and give until you cant give anymore and you get absolutely nothing in return.

Im pretty sure that you have heard of me. And who I have been with, or what I have done.
Some people say I'm crazy. Some people say I'm shy.
but
I cant tell you that, if they think that... they so don't know me.
Im not crazy, just a little out there. Im not shy, just guarded.

My life is literally a roller coaster. I have ups and I have downs.
Sometimes I feel safe and sometimes I feel like I'm slipping through the safety restraints.
Sometimes it makes me sick and most of the time I feel like my insides are upside down, which to me feels likes complete bliss.
But in the end I'm proud that I had enough courage to get in the seat, enough trust in the safety restraints and enough confidence to do it again.



I have reacquainted myself with the love of Christ.
I have never felt something so real, something so compelling.
I dont know much, but I do know this... I will give everything I have and I will receive anything I can get.
I will learn from my mistakes, and help teach others from what I have learned.
I will thrive through the dry times, and celebrate during the saturated ones.
I will never lose this love. His love is the most valuable, forgiving and never ending love there is to have.
It never fades and he never takes it back. Its the one thing I will never give up on, its the one thing that has ever given me a purpose in life... it pushes me to strive for the person I know I can be.



Im an affectionate person. I like hugs and I love to cuddle. I'm good at listening, and I love to help people. I love talking to people, I want to know about them.. I want to know what they like, what they fear, what they want and what they need. I just love people.

Im just a huge mess trapped inside of a little person. I dont know what I want and I dont know what I need. Im not really good at judging whats good for me. Bad things always attract me. I have a track record of doing bad things more than once. Im more of an 'in the moment' kind of person. I do things before thinking about them. I have a problem with stating my opinion too much. Oh yes, I love to argue, I will do just to do it... even if I lose and I know Im wrong. I have a problem with authority, I dont do what I'm told unless I really want something.
I go INSANE for tattoos and piercings.



“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” - Edna St. Vincent Millay