coming down
coming down
coming down
spinning round
spinning round
spinning round
why is it all coming down?
I built these walls so they could withstand.
the pain that I did not want to brand
in the memory that plays in my head.
in constant replay, when will the silence drown it away.
Why do i stay awake until five in the morning
fearing to shut my eyes, scared it will be the end.
i fear the images i see in my head, scared that my nightmares will be born again.
feeling the emptiness inside, i wish that it would die.
It comes and goes ........... ...........
and when i finally think i have broken through, the foundations i have built crumble and fold.
WHY?
why does my work go to waste?
playing happy so they can see a change...
but inside im dying, oh how i wish i were lying.
the more i try pushing it away, the harder it comes crashing back.
Like an elastic band, it has a painful whiplash.
it constantly leaves me battered bruised and bleeding.
i try, why wont these habits just die.
i try but i can only go so long, until my thirst leaves me in an accident i wish i could reverse.
i cant trust myself anymore, i thought i should let you know.
in a couple of days i will be facing reality, ..... my reality
to face the things i tried to outrun, the feelings that hurt so bad to feel.
Today has been two years since i have felt this way
two years since i have shed these tears
two years since i felt this pain
two years since my heart almost lost its beat
two years since i almost lost my privledge to breath
i cant do anything but keep my strength
even though it falters, my fight will keep going only ending when i cant give anymore
what else can i offer, my life has value
maybe not to the ones that hurt me, including myself
but my life values, if not God would have taken it away.
i cant offer anything else, except for my word that I will try my best.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
what if i always knew...
what if i cant make it stop...
what if its too much to take...
what if i dont know that much...
i dont understand whats happening
i cant seem to think straight
i dont want to feel like i used to
i pray its not too late
what if i fail again...
what if i go weak....
what if your not there...
and theres nothing to keep me from the sleep...
i cant see the light anymore
the darkness blinds my sight
i dont want to get lost
or bleed for the need hide
i cant stay any longer
because all i do it fall apart
i need to be shielded from the evil i cant ungaurd
what if i stay blind
and ignore the help inside...
what if i wont see the things i need to believe...
what if you wont be there...
and i choose to decieve...
what if they strip me naked...
and i am forced to bleed...
what if i cant make it stop...
what if its too much to take...
what if i dont know that much...
i dont understand whats happening
i cant seem to think straight
i dont want to feel like i used to
i pray its not too late
what if i fail again...
what if i go weak....
what if your not there...
and theres nothing to keep me from the sleep...
i cant see the light anymore
the darkness blinds my sight
i dont want to get lost
or bleed for the need hide
i cant stay any longer
because all i do it fall apart
i need to be shielded from the evil i cant ungaurd
what if i stay blind
and ignore the help inside...
what if i wont see the things i need to believe...
what if you wont be there...
and i choose to decieve...
what if they strip me naked...
and i am forced to bleed...
Monday, February 16, 2009
education
I have never really cared for an education, nor did I ever think I was blessed to have it. I always thought that I would finish high school and go to college just to please my parents. I have a comfortable life in Alabama, I have a car, a house, clothes, a cellphone all of those non escential material things. All those things that I once thought as escential I realize are not.Some people freak out about the economic problems we are facing. Scared that they will have to cut back on buying clothes or cars, the non-escential things. Here I think about my homeland, Paraguay, a third world country. I think about how hard it will be for them. The United States suffered serverly in the Great Depression, but in the places known as a third world country they live daily in a great depression. What we thought was impossible and horrible for us, is what these people see everyday.Dont get me wrong, I know that the United States has poverty, but no where close to the extent as these countries have. Seeing children on the streerts begging for money or food makes me want to make a change, makes me need a change. I intend to go to a great college so I can get an education so I can be the change I want to see in this world.My sister wrote an Essay to Vassar college explaining these situations our country as well as many others face. Her essay made me realize that I should not take for granted that I have an opportunity to get and education, nor will I let it pass me by.We have both lived very comfortable lives, but she has had the chance to actually see the poverty up close. Now that I have seen it I will not forget, nor will I ever stop trying to help these countries. We can all do more, we know that we can.So why dont we do it?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
change
I have noticed that things change, a lot.
The friendships that were once strong begin to lose their strength.
We grow, and that means we also grown apart.
Your values change they can grow or they can fade.
Your perspective of wrong and right can begin to blur.
The life you once had planned out can be turned upside down.
You can become brave or turn into a coward.
You can stand up for what you believe in or decide to keep quiet.
What I have noticed is that most of the time people change for the bad.
They begin to not care, they dont feel the same things that they did before.
The relationships that they have worked so hard to get dont matter to them anymore.
They were once so good and now they are just invisible, they used to stand out, they used to stand for something, now they just blend in.
why?
Why would you give up something that was actually important something that was so special and intimate? Why would you give up on the one relationship that wont let you down, that wont hurt you?
Life was made for you to screw up. Life was made hard so you would learn, not so you could lay down and die, hold up the white flag. Life is a challenge, its a competition against yourself so you can better yourself. Instead we are regressing, instead of progressing we give up too easily on the important stuff and conform to living simple, unfullfilled, boring, normal, stupid lives. If God wanted things to be easy for us he would have made it that way, God made life difficult so we can find a life worth living, worth fighting for. A life where you dont fight for something is not a life. If everything got handed to you if you never worked for anything, do you really think that would be a life?
When we fight for something it means that it has a significance, it means something to you.
It means enough that you are willing to give up certain things, certain people, certain addictions.
I dont understand I am sick of it. I tired of the whinning and the ¨ its too hard¨ or the ¨you dont understand¨ If people would stop the procrastinations it would give them enough time to accomplish something something important instead of wasting their breath on complaining.
People think that relationships are soo hard, they arent they should be easy when its right. Dont get me wrong they are difficult but a relationship worth having is a relationship that can be accomodated it is filled with respect and trust. So many people ask why is my relationship so sucky LOOK AT YOUR OWN LIVES.
If you live a life where you have no values where you dont have respect where you dont have a purpose, how is your relationship, any kind of relationship supposed to function? Your relationship will reflect what kind of a person you are. If you live a healthy life you will have a healthy relationship, but it has to be healthy for both of the people. If you have values if you have respect if you have a purpose and you are with someone who doesnt care who doesnt have values who think they deserve stuff because they say so, you WILL NOT have a relationship, at least one worth having.
Everything is based on choice, God gave us a precious gift called FREEDOM.
so why is it impossible for us to use it for something good, maintain something that is difficult but so worth it in the end, something worth fighting for?
The friendships that were once strong begin to lose their strength.
We grow, and that means we also grown apart.
Your values change they can grow or they can fade.
Your perspective of wrong and right can begin to blur.
The life you once had planned out can be turned upside down.
You can become brave or turn into a coward.
You can stand up for what you believe in or decide to keep quiet.
What I have noticed is that most of the time people change for the bad.
They begin to not care, they dont feel the same things that they did before.
The relationships that they have worked so hard to get dont matter to them anymore.
They were once so good and now they are just invisible, they used to stand out, they used to stand for something, now they just blend in.
why?
Why would you give up something that was actually important something that was so special and intimate? Why would you give up on the one relationship that wont let you down, that wont hurt you?
Life was made for you to screw up. Life was made hard so you would learn, not so you could lay down and die, hold up the white flag. Life is a challenge, its a competition against yourself so you can better yourself. Instead we are regressing, instead of progressing we give up too easily on the important stuff and conform to living simple, unfullfilled, boring, normal, stupid lives. If God wanted things to be easy for us he would have made it that way, God made life difficult so we can find a life worth living, worth fighting for. A life where you dont fight for something is not a life. If everything got handed to you if you never worked for anything, do you really think that would be a life?
When we fight for something it means that it has a significance, it means something to you.
It means enough that you are willing to give up certain things, certain people, certain addictions.
I dont understand I am sick of it. I tired of the whinning and the ¨ its too hard¨ or the ¨you dont understand¨ If people would stop the procrastinations it would give them enough time to accomplish something something important instead of wasting their breath on complaining.
People think that relationships are soo hard, they arent they should be easy when its right. Dont get me wrong they are difficult but a relationship worth having is a relationship that can be accomodated it is filled with respect and trust. So many people ask why is my relationship so sucky LOOK AT YOUR OWN LIVES.
If you live a life where you have no values where you dont have respect where you dont have a purpose, how is your relationship, any kind of relationship supposed to function? Your relationship will reflect what kind of a person you are. If you live a healthy life you will have a healthy relationship, but it has to be healthy for both of the people. If you have values if you have respect if you have a purpose and you are with someone who doesnt care who doesnt have values who think they deserve stuff because they say so, you WILL NOT have a relationship, at least one worth having.
Everything is based on choice, God gave us a precious gift called FREEDOM.
so why is it impossible for us to use it for something good, maintain something that is difficult but so worth it in the end, something worth fighting for?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
i have been thinking about relationships
that maybe they reflect ourselves
for example if you are in a really crappy and unhealthy relationship, any kind of relationship.
It reflects yourself, how you live your life and how you care about yourself...
if you live your life by letting someone use you and your body, you obviously dont care enough to stop them, and you clearly think that its okay to live your life that way...
My journey that i started in September has taught me one thing, that in your life the order of your priorities should be this:
1. You
2. You
and last but not least
3. You
for example...
For me my priorities are:
1. ME and MY relationship with God
2. Learning from MY past and MY mistakes.
3. Learning to love people with all MY heart not expecting anything in return.
because at the end of the day its your life and you can choose to sit on your lazy butt and watch life pass taking the easy, unhealthy and unfulfilling path or getting out there and living a happy healthy and unregretable life, not letting ANYTHING hold you back.
I choose to be open with my past, my present and my future because I would rather you know me and make your mind up about me. Yes, I have done some bad things in my life and you may form your opinion on me by what people who think they know me tell you or what goes through the school or church.
My past:
So i did drugs, smoked a couple of packs a day, drank the night away, was in a really unhealthy relationship, protected those who didnt deserve it, lied, cut myself and hurt the people who love me the most, and I didnt really care for religion.
My present:
Im CLEAN, I CHOOSE to be alone, I TELL you if or WHEN I dont like things, I will TRY my hardest not to hurt myself, and I REFUSE to hurt the ones that love me. I have LEARNED who truly cares for me. MY LIFE is based on a RELATIONSHIP with God not a religion. I LET only the people who make me healthy in MY LIFE. I dont CARE who you are or what you do, i wont conform to your rules. I am BLESSED for having the family I have. I am in CONTROL of MY life.
My future:
I will continue to be SOBER, My life will FULFILL Gods plans for me. I will HAVE a strong and HEALTHY relationship with God. I will be HAPPY. I will be CLOSER to my family. I will be PROUD of MYSELF. I wont REGRET my LIFE.
The things that I have once thought impossible have been proved to be distractions to hold me back because I was too tired or I was too scared or it was too hard. Life is what you choose to make of it.
One of the reasons why i came here to South America was to get to know someone, who I have recently come to love alot. This person had an incredibly HARD and ROUGH childhood and has grown living his life in the past. Because he cant get over these things, it has deprived him of a life worth living. He cannot maintain a relationship with his family, with his friends or even with his children. He cant be sober for more than two days and he does not have the capability of loving someone long enough to care for them, and I believe that is because he cannot love himself.
He does not care enough about himself to stay sober, to stop the drugs or at least to stop driving drunk, this man does not value his life.
But he has to have the biggest heart, he is a good man, People love him, He is easily loveable, he values his family and his friends and his children, just not enough to change.
This man has taught me about life... about the way i refuse to live my life.
he has used every excuse in the book to explain to me why he is the way he is. But i am living proof that you can turn the page you can forgive you can move one and you can turn a life that was like a hell on earth a meaningless, loveless useless life into a beautiful, loving and meaningful heaven on earth.
My love for this person will never perish nor lessen I know it will only grown over time, just like my hope for him. My hope that he will overcome this, that he will open his eyes and see them his four children, his family and his friends who care so much for him.
I know that only love can save him, and have learned that I am willing to forgive, I am willing to obey, and I am willing to love unconditionally even though I know it might not be returned...
because , I know I might die never seeing him change, But at least i will have the satisfaction of knowing i tried.
for example if you are in a really crappy and unhealthy relationship, any kind of relationship.
It reflects yourself, how you live your life and how you care about yourself...
if you live your life by letting someone use you and your body, you obviously dont care enough to stop them, and you clearly think that its okay to live your life that way...
My journey that i started in September has taught me one thing, that in your life the order of your priorities should be this:
1. You
2. You
and last but not least
3. You
for example...
For me my priorities are:
1. ME and MY relationship with God
2. Learning from MY past and MY mistakes.
3. Learning to love people with all MY heart not expecting anything in return.
because at the end of the day its your life and you can choose to sit on your lazy butt and watch life pass taking the easy, unhealthy and unfulfilling path or getting out there and living a happy healthy and unregretable life, not letting ANYTHING hold you back.
I choose to be open with my past, my present and my future because I would rather you know me and make your mind up about me. Yes, I have done some bad things in my life and you may form your opinion on me by what people who think they know me tell you or what goes through the school or church.
My past:
So i did drugs, smoked a couple of packs a day, drank the night away, was in a really unhealthy relationship, protected those who didnt deserve it, lied, cut myself and hurt the people who love me the most, and I didnt really care for religion.
My present:
Im CLEAN, I CHOOSE to be alone, I TELL you if or WHEN I dont like things, I will TRY my hardest not to hurt myself, and I REFUSE to hurt the ones that love me. I have LEARNED who truly cares for me. MY LIFE is based on a RELATIONSHIP with God not a religion. I LET only the people who make me healthy in MY LIFE. I dont CARE who you are or what you do, i wont conform to your rules. I am BLESSED for having the family I have. I am in CONTROL of MY life.
My future:
I will continue to be SOBER, My life will FULFILL Gods plans for me. I will HAVE a strong and HEALTHY relationship with God. I will be HAPPY. I will be CLOSER to my family. I will be PROUD of MYSELF. I wont REGRET my LIFE.
The things that I have once thought impossible have been proved to be distractions to hold me back because I was too tired or I was too scared or it was too hard. Life is what you choose to make of it.
One of the reasons why i came here to South America was to get to know someone, who I have recently come to love alot. This person had an incredibly HARD and ROUGH childhood and has grown living his life in the past. Because he cant get over these things, it has deprived him of a life worth living. He cannot maintain a relationship with his family, with his friends or even with his children. He cant be sober for more than two days and he does not have the capability of loving someone long enough to care for them, and I believe that is because he cannot love himself.
He does not care enough about himself to stay sober, to stop the drugs or at least to stop driving drunk, this man does not value his life.
But he has to have the biggest heart, he is a good man, People love him, He is easily loveable, he values his family and his friends and his children, just not enough to change.
This man has taught me about life... about the way i refuse to live my life.
he has used every excuse in the book to explain to me why he is the way he is. But i am living proof that you can turn the page you can forgive you can move one and you can turn a life that was like a hell on earth a meaningless, loveless useless life into a beautiful, loving and meaningful heaven on earth.
My love for this person will never perish nor lessen I know it will only grown over time, just like my hope for him. My hope that he will overcome this, that he will open his eyes and see them his four children, his family and his friends who care so much for him.
I know that only love can save him, and have learned that I am willing to forgive, I am willing to obey, and I am willing to love unconditionally even though I know it might not be returned...
because , I know I might die never seeing him change, But at least i will have the satisfaction of knowing i tried.
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