round and round we go round and round.

up and and down we go more down.

back and forth.



Im dizzy, this isnt fun anymore.



I swear if you dont let me go, ill be sick.

everything is spinning let me off.

This ride is sickening.



Please let go of my hand, I WANT OFF.

you cant hold me here anymore, please let me go.



Stop, your laughing and smiling is killing me.

This isnt funny.

cant you see my tears?

Im crying you fool.

Im not playing

im not joking, cut it out.



you think its funny,

you seem to laugh more

with each tear that falls out.

Find something else to play with.

my heart was not made for your entertainment





your game ended long ago.

I wont be played with anymore.





How would you like it if i played with your feelings?

if i took THEM for a ride?

i bet you would get sick of being pulled in every direction.

till you break from the extension.



How would you like it if i played a game.

if i strapped you in.

and let the car run till you could see the end.

the end with no safety net.

And the longer you stayed strapped in, the faster your heart would beat.

till you could hear it in your ears, and you give into your fears.

so tell me do you like it?



how is it dear, do you get a kick out of it?

like you did with me.



When i fought back your game came to an end.

i disposed of you
and you will not be let back in again

this is a weird story but its true...
So this girl in my school has a pet Boa, well had a pet Boa.
This girl is a little weird, because she would let the Boa sleep in her bed.
but whatever, whatever floats your boat.
Okay well she started to worry about her pet Boa because she wouldnt eat.
She would buy mice that were already dead and he snake wouldnt eat it.
So she went to the vet and told him that her Boa wouldnt eat, so he told her to buy
mice that were alive. So she did, a few days past and her Boa still wouldnt eat.
So she went back to the vet with the Boa. The the vet checked the Boa out and she was perfectly healthy. So the vet started to ask the girl questions. He asked her where the Boa sleeps, if her cage is close to her bed. Well the girl said yeah her cage is close to my bed but she sleeps with me in my bed. The vet looked at the girl and said, I would stop doing that immediately because you Boa isnt sick, she is getting ready to eat. The girl looked at the vet with a horrified look on her face.

This girls pet snake was getting ready to EAT her, the vet said that in some cases when a snakes fantasize about eating their owners especially if their cage is near them like for example near their bed where they can watch you sleep... this girl was sleeping with it!!!!!

so yeah the girl sold the Boa...

i have been thinking that I dont want a pet snake anymore.

i dont know what to type, i just feel like typing.
hopefully if i keep typing something good will come out.

things have been hard.
well they used to be, not so much anymore.
when i first got here i was lost and i didnt care.
i was numb, captive to my pain.
and i didnt care, i wanted to lose myself more.
i got to the point that when i would look in the mirror i didnt recognize
who was staring back at me.
going out every night losing myself in the crowd.
inflicting physical pain just so i could feel something.
anything i could get my hands on i would turn into a weapon.
pathetic, i know.
i had been working so hard and it all came tumbling down.
well after a while i just stopped functioning.
I felt like i was dead traped in a living body.
i thought me not caring was me getting over it,
but i was wrong, i dont think i had ever been so wrong.


I had it coming, oh yes i did.
He had been waiting, waiting to break me
waiting to save me.
I did not see it coming.
I was satisfied with watching the red river flow from my body.
watching it swirl as the water washed it away, watching it go down the drain.
with the cold metal teeth sitting in my hand, it felt familiar
it felt nice.


But something was creeping.
a feeling of unimaginable force.
It hit me like a fraight train.
It was as if i could hear my bones crushing, splintering, stabbing
every vital organ in my body.
I felt paralyzed. Of coarse nothing was breaking
I was still intact, functioning perfectly fine.
But it was still there yelling, screaming for my attention.

thats when i realized who it was,
my father, my creater
screaming with arms held wide open.
seeing my actions through his eyes
feeling what he felt as he watched me
mutilate what he created out of love.


For the first time he broke me the way I broke him.
I could see my cuts, the ones inflicted on myself
bleeding through his pure white robs.
staining them scarlett.
Every cut that had healed and scarred bled.
He bled for what I was doing to myself.
I truly realized how much I hurt him.
I no longer bled, he bled for me.


I sat there with my head between my legs
grasping to catch my breath.
I could bear hurting myself but seeing
my father bleeding I could not.
I couldnt stand hurting him, he died on the cross
for my repentance. I was not born yet, but he died for me.

I cried begging for forgiveness,
not asking, begging. My eyes were finally opened
He loves me,
he loves me enough to teach my how to to love myself.
For all the times i have felt lonely he has filled me.
For every tear I have cried he has dried.
For everytime I bled he had healed me.


Since that day I have been living life differently.
There is beauty in the breaking.
I am never alone, he is with me.
I have never felt him stronger.
With every breath I inhale, he teaches me.

My life will be lived for him.
I am his.
I will live my life to make him proud.
To make my Father proud.
He has forgiven me and so can I.




well... i guess thats it?

faith

Some of you may think that I have lost it, that it has weakened.I used to depend on people telling me that they saw faith in me.And it would disappoint me when they would say that it had lessened over something that I was struggling with.I wont lie, I was blinded by my own pain that I didnt realize what was happening to me. My faith wasnt gone but frozen, it could not grow because I needed to learn. I have learned and I can say truthfully that my faith is stronger, maybe not stronger than ever but it is strong and it keeps growing day after day. Faith is not made for people to see, Faith is feeling.And I have never felt faith stronger than now.I took myself from everything I had ever know.I left my home, my friends, my family everything I used to go to for comfort.And I havent felt so whole, I have found something that I can depend on, its not a person but a feeling. I can feel him with me like he is in my soul.My lack of faith turned me into a coward, I ran from everything.So I could escape the pathetic pain I had felt I had no intention of returning.And for what feels like the longest time I have been kicking myself, because the more I ran, I realized the more I focused on my pain. I couldnt pretend anymore. The other day God broke me, he shattered me.I dont think I have ever cried that hard. I had been lost for so long, just going through the motions I had turned into routine. The other day I let my defenses down completely I laid it at his feet. And I as I laid down on the cold tile floor I realized what exactly he feels. Its like I saw my pain through his eyes.I let one simple thing break me, when I had so many things infront of me... so many things so many opportunities. He had offered the world to me and i did not grasp that. But now I can, I dont regret running from my problems because in the end they caught up with me. I needed to take myself out of a situation I knew I could not overcome. Faith is what saved me, the faith that God had in me saved me. He never gave up on me,never and I will never give up on my faith. My faith is what saved me. So really think about what you have faith in, because for a long time I put my faith in things that would only let me down. But God has proved to me that my faith was not wasted, I learned and I grew because of it.So here to those who have lacked faith in me.My faith does not need to be seen, but felt. My faith comes in the words I speak my actions will follow. Dont have faith in me, have trust in me and my faith

Bring it on, give me your burdens.
I can take it this time, I promise.
You have showed me how.
Tell me your stories.
Of patience and forgiveness.
I want to learn.
I want to be yours forver, for eternity.
You were there you listen carefully.
Now its my turn.
My ears are opened, tell me my future.
I will run to you, Jesus .
Run to the plan you have for my life.
No more turning back, my past is in my back pocket.
Hiden away but not forgotten.
My heart has been broken, but you have been holding the pieces together for so long.
The road was long but I held on.
The reward you gave me was more than I bargained for.
My life is filled with the love you have shown me.
The forgiveness I am learning.
At your feet I am dancing with my hands lifted high,
Praising you is all I can do.
For saving my life.
For giving me the light.
yes, jesus because of you. I know what to do with my life.

i have opened up my eyes, yes dear i see the light.
no more beating around the bush, straight on.
im going to face this straight on.
im tired of acting like im okay with it all.
as if i were a fly on the wall.
i have got to take back whats mine.
all those things that you stole.
those things you threw away.

Its okay we can act like in a play.
you be the victim and i be the bad guy.
tell them your lies i will play along.
its easier than to try to convince them, through all this fog.
tell your tragic tale of your broken heart and how you feel used.
tell them your lies of how youll change, that you have seen a brand new day.
But, i know better.
yes, dear i have learned better.


i have opened up my eyes, yes dear i see the light.
no more beating around the bush, straight on.
im going to face this straight on.
im tired of acting like im okay with it all.
as if i were a fly on the wall.
i have got to take back whats mine.
all those things that you stole.
those things you threw away.


its all thrown away, glued to the inside of a box.
yes, thats you glued to the inside of a box.
the one i burried in my backyard.
i burried the things you left behind.
your boxers your shirts, yes, dear theyre in there too.
glued right next to you.
i took back the things that were mine.
my heart was left there on the floor collecting the dust under your bed.
you thought i wouldnt see.
but i took back the things you did not need.
the feeling you threw away.
yes, dear its okay.


i will forgive, one day, of that i am clear.
dont fret lovely youll find peace one day.
but at my feet you will have to pay.
your tears wont repay the ones i cried.
just know i wont be there to dig you out.
you made this bed so sleep in it, all day if you wish.
its your mess to clean.



freedom has never felt so good
intoxicating as it runs through my veins.
it clears my head, flooding it with bleach.
a new slate, untainted by your pain.
but i will not forget, every scar you have left.
but it taught me well.
no one is worth your love, not a love like that.
and addiction worse than drugs.
a sickness of revolting need.


dont worry love, im cured
and now i am immune to you.
dont try your games they wont work this time.
i promise you i have changed.
i dont need you anymore.
i feel sorry for you, yes dear.
the help you need you cannot get.
and for that pitty fills my head.
your craving for the touch, of anyone.
wont satisfy your need.
maybe one day you will learn.
but i guees your time will be taken in trial and error.


hurry dear, lifes not here forever...

what do you do when you want two completely different things.

and you dont know which to choose.

one is right and the other youre not so sure.

but they both feel right, intoxicating and addictive.

one is what they expect, what they want, what is right.

something I have never done, something that can provide what I want.

but if I were to do that it would be for one thing, one person.

The other is different, rebellious, unique and unpredictable.

something I have done, something familiar, something that craves my thirst.

but the same thing is what broke me.

it washes

the rain falls.
leaving trails of mascera on my face.
my tears invisible with the drops of rain.
it washes the pain away.
i promised no more tears, not for you, not anymore.
Head held high, i promised to be brave this time.
no more looking back, those things have past.
Forget the reasons for all the scars.
Near to you im healing, and its not taking that long.

for so long i was what they wanted me to be.

making everyone else love was what they wanted to see.

selling my soul to keep the beat.

of a faltering heart that is so weak.

I am.

i am here by myself, beacuse I left everyone and everything behind.
with no intent on coming back.
But I learned the more I run, the faster it cathes up with me.
It doesnt matter where I go it will always follow me.
I blinded myself from the pain that I felt. I deliberately turned off the lights.
Hoping to let go of my mind.
But now i realized I need the pain that I once felt inside.
So once again I turn on the light.
The pain I felt is still there different but yet the same.
I can bear it now with lessons I have learned.
The light bulb is dimming and I know when it burns out,
the pain will vanish as I let it go.
I dont regret leaving, but the hole you filled burns around the edges every night.
Your words of wisdom, like a broken record, play in my head.
Every night it never seems to fade.

Youre not alone. It will pass. You have to let it go. Dont think about it. You have to learn.

so you were right, you never lied.
I just had to swallow my pride, so I laid there broken.
My tears covering the tile floor.
I laid it down, I cant carry it any more.
I realized you never left me, i just ignored.
You pleading arms trying to hold me and my frantic heat breaking your hold.