I want to take back every moment i spent away, just to have one more day.I would hold your hand from sun rise to sun down, and listen to your wise words for just one more round.I'd tuck you in bed every night and make you black coffee just how you like.But most of all I'd say thank you for giving me the will to fight...

home...
I walked away, without noticing how fast i was actually running.
Hurt blazed my eyes and the pain eventually made everything turn white.
but i pushed on, i pushed myself into this...

Home, the place i call home is not my home, it never was.
Home was an escape, something i fled to just so I could live through one more day.
Home was where i opened my eyes to a love that was once blind.
Home was where i learned of love, love that will forever burn, roaring with inextinguishable light.
Home was where i learned to open my heart, to experience an unquenchable thirst.
Home was where I felt like i belonged, for the first time in a long time, a spot i fit in perfectly.
Home was my family, blood did not matter... we loved each other just the same.

but now, it feels like this doesn't matter. I made it not matter.

life came flooding in, like the damn apocalypse.

Life made it hurt, it made it burn.
Life made me cry, until there was no more feeling inside.
Life made me weak, to the point that I turned away from my home.

Life made home just another place to hang.
Life made home blind.
Life made home routine.
Life made home cold, my heart froze.
My place at home just didnt fit.
Words made home broken.

I eventually ran away from home.


So now, im here i pushed myself to the bottom.
Knees bloody and fingers sore I have stopped digging, clawing further down.
Knees bloody and fingers sore, Im reaching and Im pulling.
And I wont stop until I get to the top.

If i could take everything back, I would.
Id beg on my knees until the sun refused to shine.
I would walk until my legs would break.
I would take back every hurtful word.
I would hold on and never let go.
I would shut up and listen.


My home matters this much, it matters enough to stop the act. But I cant take any of it back, the silly thing about life is that there are no 'take backs' or rewind buttons.
But the more I replay this past year, the more i learn... the more i see.

We stopped listening and began to assume that we had heard everything, that we had learned enough.
We stopped feeling.
WE LET OUR HOME FALL, RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES!
we stopped seeing the broken, and we became the broken.
The way we degrade each other, our family, makes us no better than the ones we are meant to save.
When will we shut up and listen?
We are all responsible, we all made choices.
whether they were right or wrong, I guess we will never know.

I miss home.
I miss seeing my favorite people when I walk in.
I miss just listening.
I miss being engulfed in love.
I miss knowing that I have a family...


What can I say?
We are human, God's most perfect imperfection.

I learned life hurts. The tears, the loss, the heart break and the heart ache are all inevitable. But the happiness, the laughter, the love and the purpose of life cant exist without the stuff that hurts. The decisions I have made in my past have led me to where I am now, and the decisions I make now will pave my future.



Choice, life and state of being don't exist without a base. For a long time people where my base, and I could never understand why I would crumble. As I sit and watch the people around me, I see people using other people as a base, as a crutch. And I watch them all fall like dominoes. Whether people rely on other people, or rely on themselves they fall. People of faith fall, sometimes harder than others...
So this is my prayer. Every time we feel tempted, I pray we feel God's thick presence and that it will saturate. Every time we give in, I pray he will not let us forget. And every time we cant find peace, I pray we know that there is peace in knowing you are forgiven.

confusion.
I cant think, there are no words nor explanations.
?
thats all I see,a question mark.

Not mad, more like hurt.
Everything said, everything preached, everything that was once shoved down
my throat has been taken back on.

All the tears they made me cried, were literally for nothing.

The trust I once had, which has never been restored still hurts.
I felt like a rag thrown down on the floor.
Not acknowledged, not ignored more like completely forgotten....

I'm scared.
Life is short, and my fear is that I'm watching it go by.

Where do I start? When can I cry? Where do I go? How do I begin? Who do I trust? How does it end? When is it okay? When will it be over? How much longer do I have to hurt?

I'm scared, for the first time in my life I'm actually scared to the point that I cry. I'm scared that I wont be able to give myself completely. I'm scared that my heart has been stretched to the point that its tearing.

My heart can't, it wont. I'm tired of putting my heart into things that let me down. There is no point when you give, and give until you cant give anymore and you get absolutely nothing in return.

Im pretty sure that you have heard of me. And who I have been with, or what I have done.
Some people say I'm crazy. Some people say I'm shy.
but
I cant tell you that, if they think that... they so don't know me.
Im not crazy, just a little out there. Im not shy, just guarded.

My life is literally a roller coaster. I have ups and I have downs.
Sometimes I feel safe and sometimes I feel like I'm slipping through the safety restraints.
Sometimes it makes me sick and most of the time I feel like my insides are upside down, which to me feels likes complete bliss.
But in the end I'm proud that I had enough courage to get in the seat, enough trust in the safety restraints and enough confidence to do it again.



I have reacquainted myself with the love of Christ.
I have never felt something so real, something so compelling.
I dont know much, but I do know this... I will give everything I have and I will receive anything I can get.
I will learn from my mistakes, and help teach others from what I have learned.
I will thrive through the dry times, and celebrate during the saturated ones.
I will never lose this love. His love is the most valuable, forgiving and never ending love there is to have.
It never fades and he never takes it back. Its the one thing I will never give up on, its the one thing that has ever given me a purpose in life... it pushes me to strive for the person I know I can be.



Im an affectionate person. I like hugs and I love to cuddle. I'm good at listening, and I love to help people. I love talking to people, I want to know about them.. I want to know what they like, what they fear, what they want and what they need. I just love people.

Im just a huge mess trapped inside of a little person. I dont know what I want and I dont know what I need. Im not really good at judging whats good for me. Bad things always attract me. I have a track record of doing bad things more than once. Im more of an 'in the moment' kind of person. I do things before thinking about them. I have a problem with stating my opinion too much. Oh yes, I love to argue, I will do just to do it... even if I lose and I know Im wrong. I have a problem with authority, I dont do what I'm told unless I really want something.
I go INSANE for tattoos and piercings.



“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” - Edna St. Vincent Millay

In my life, Im blind. I dont see the warning signs nor do I abide by them. I act more on impulse than anything else. I always have to feel an extreme, anything else is just numbness. I have never really been a child, at least not in my eyes.

My life has been filled with obstacles, tears, trust issues and well... more tears. But that is my past and that is where it will stay. I have cut the anchor that was once tied to my foot and I have reached the surface. The oxygen that has filled my lungs is so refreshing. I am a happy girl with an unforgettable smile and I will mark my place in your life. I laugh at the stupid stuff and I am here to have fun, you wont forget me, and thats a promise!

I dont like authority, I dont really believe in it. You cant ever really have control over a person, they will not obey. Rules and guide lines are always breached. Like people say "rules were meant to be broken".

I have recently realized just how disgusted I am with our generation. The things that we do and how we act is absolutely revolting. Girls giving up their bodies for attention and to multiple people and the boys who cheer them on. Can you honestly have such little respect for yourselves? I am not the purist person, but I am no hypocrite, I honestly realize how empty that kind of behavior is. And all it does is cause pain and ultimately destruction.

I believe in one eternal love, and that is the love of God. I am probably the last person you would ask about stuff like that. But through all the times I pushed him away and the times I have lost myself in sin, he was always there. There is no greater feeling than that of knowing you are forgiven, that you have a new beginning. I had to reacquaint my knees to the carpet and let my tears soak the floor, to me that was the best apology I could give. Temptation is now harder than ever for me to fight, but I have been there and I have done that, the emptiness is the greatest pain I have ever felt. So Im done losing myself and Im done making excuses. This time its for real. I know exactly what I am capable of, and I wont settle for any less.

I Have been broken. I have been used. I have been unwanted. And I have hit rock bottom. Have you ever wanted to end it all? I can say that I have, and I almost did. My greatest mistake and my greatest lesson was that day. You dont realize what you have until you have lost it, or in my case almost lost it. It has taken me time, but now I know just how valuable life is. The most precious gift is the one you take most for granted.

My family is not the average family, but then again how many of those exist? All I know is that I cant have a better one. The love that surrounds me is amazing. The understanding catches me off guard. My family may be spread throughout the world but I know I can always call them home, it doesnt matter where I am. My best memories are with them.

My friends are well... amazing. They are all so different, but I can be the same person with all of them. They accept me as I am and love me the same. These people are the most intelligent and understanding people I know. They consist of some of the people I love most in this world. These people are more than capable of making a difference in this world. They each have a different life story, and have all individually taught me a life lesson.

I can be really funny. I think I am nocturnal. I like taking photos. My siblings are awesome. I love animals. I am nice, but I can be guarded. I like to meet new people, so talk to me... Im shy so I will more than likely not start the conversation... So yeah, just talk to me. Im pretty laid back. And I am all about having a good time.

Here is some advice when it comes to me:
Don't screw me over, or else we're done.
Don't tell me I'm too young, all it does is piss me off.
Don't tell me I cant do something, I will make you look like a fool.
Don't under-estimate me, I will surprise you.

Want to get on my good side?
Buy me a Monster.
Always be honest.
Give me hugs, I love them.
Talk to me.
Don't be fake.
And don't bring me your drama.


My life is going to be a pretty darn good one. And if you're not in it, its your loss. I am eccentric and one of a kind, I promise you will never find someone like me. I can be your lover or best friend, or I swear I can be your worst nightmare. Your pick.

church.example.change its long but I believe its worth it.

church was good, It kinda made me sad though.
I see all the stuff I wish would go away.
I want to kick myself every time. I honestly wonder if things would be this way if I would've stayed, or if they would be how it used to be, if it would be better. I was solid in my beliefs and my actions proved that. I was an example that I was proud of. Now, Im... working on it? No, I am working on it, Im struggling. It feels like Im in an ocean caught in the rip current, and no matter how hard I kick it doesnt help. Its like I see the shore and its covered with people, so why wont they help? I cant do this by myself, My guilt is the water that is filling my lungs, it cuts off all oxygen. As I sit floating in the sea, the shore gets no closer but neither does it drift away. I see all around me and Im not alone. And that scares me the most. Again the water fills my lungs. Their faces are permeated with blindness. Inside and out they're blind they're so saturated in this filth in this sin, its a dead end. At least I know that Im running on empty and I know I'll drown. They're so saturated they dont, they wont. I know they'll stay here until they drown. Seeing their heads slowly sink to the bottom, is my biggest fear. They are so intoxicated it scares me. These were the people who stood out, who made a difference, who were truly in love with him... they were the real deal.Together we would pave the path to a better future, to a life worth living. I feel like Im the one who made them this way, or at least let them get so lost.
I was solid.
I was filled with faith.
I was the person they'd come to.
I was the best friend.
I was the example.

Maybe if I would have stayed, if I wasnt so weak. Things wouldnt be so messed up right now. We could all be here, we could feel the love we once knew so well, we could be the examples we were meant to be.

Im sorry. I feel like the biggest failure. How can I make them see. Im tired of watching them drown. Im so scared that it will be too late. It makes me sick to know that they cant see him dancing, crying, pleading for them to come back. All he wants is them, how he thirsts for them. Why cant they see?

There is a difference between people who are lost and others who are ignorant.
You cant help, someone who doesnt want it.Ignorance is a choice. They use people for the attention, they arent serious. You cant lose something you never had. They make problems, they play damsel in distress always wanting someone to come save them. God has a plan for them. Its a long and hard lesson that he will teach them. These kinds of people feed off of the attention they are given and they will dramatize everything and anything to get it. They fake the most valuable relationship anyone could ever have, they put on a show. And I believe God's plan begins when people stop playing along. You have to know he will change them, it may take longer and it may break them.. but thats the point. You cant look up until you have hit rock bottom. And Im tired of people beating themselves up for not being able to help, or change them. Its not your place to, God knows when they're serious and thats when the lessons begin to take motion.
And then there is the lost. These people arent ignorant, they are blind. Gods love is concealed by worldly things to them. These are the people who need our help. These are the people who have once had or have once questioned God's love, if its real.. if its worth having. They just need to be shown that his love is attainable, that it can be rekindled. That there is never an expiration date. These are the people worth investing time in. They can be serious about this relationship. They can be the difference this world needs. They just need someone who cares, someone to be the example.

I find myself screaming in the middle of the night, crying as I watch them sink. I want to be the one that helps bring them the lifeline, that gives them back that breath if life. I want to witness their faces as they begin to see the light.

My Granfather was an incredible man, who lived a long happy life and has left us with beautiful memories. He was a part of many peoples lives and was loved by many.

My Grandpy was very special to me, because he taught me so much about life.

When my dad married my mom, Grandpy welcomed me into his family with open arms, he loved me as if i were his own, to him I was his darling girl. To me and my siblings he was our only Grandpa, and to me he was my one and only Grandpy. To me he was a great man and the best Grandfather anyone could ask for. He was my partner in crime, he would be the first one i called when I wanted to be picked up from school, knowing he would never say no. Anywhere I wanted to go he would take me in a heartbeat. He was not only a grandpa to me and my family but as well as to my friends, which he loved very much.

When i was going through the dark times in my life, he was always there to listen.

He always told me to do what makes me happy, and that all that mattered was my happiness and well being. He made me promise that no matter how hard things would get, I would ovecome it, that i would make him proud. He supported me in just about everything I did. When I was a hopeless wreck, he always kept his faith in me. I will miss him with all my heart. I will miss listening to those World War Two stories and waking up to the tv blaring downstairs and his crazy driving and his delicious chocolate cake, but most of all i will miss his hugs that made everything better.

My Grandpy wasnt a religious man, but he had faith. Faith in people and faith in God.

Because of him, my family has had the privledge to get to know some of the nicest people all of his friends are wonderul present he has left us. I wanted to say thank you to Melba for all her love and help during this painful time, you are truly a blessed gift we have gotten to know over the past years.

I am so blessed to say that he was my Grandpy and I know my life is so much better thanks to him. We will all miss him, but knowing my Grandpy he wouldnt want us to cry and mourn but rather celebrate his long and great lived life.

So here I am.
And I have realized, that I was wrong.
The things that I have done have led up to this moment.
The moment that I admit I was mistaken and ask for forgiveness.

In this moment I see my mistakes
and now I bare the shame that comes with them.
I never realized that though I was running from my troubles
I was also running from you.

The further I got, the less I could see your light.
The darker it got, the more I pushed forward.
The more I pushed forward, the more I got lost.

When I could no longer find my way, the material things of this world caught my attention.
The more I looked the more I wanted.
The more I wanted the more I got.
The more I got the more I needed.

Now that I see, what this has done.
I dont look, I dont want, I dont get and I dont need.
The reflection that stares at me, is not who I want to be.
My reflection that stares at me is not who I was meant to be.

Every touch I felt was empty.
Every bottle I drank made a bigger hole.
Everything that came in close proximity was toxic.

Now that I know how it feels to be free.
Now that I know how it feels to be unconcerned.
Now that I know how it feels to be wanted.
Now that I know how it feels to be filled.

I RUN TO YOU.

The freedom is like a cage.
The unconcern is pointless.
The wanting is hurtful.
The fullness is nausiating.

None of these things have meaning.
None of these things are worth having.
They cant exist without you.

The freedom has no boundry.
Therefore you find addictions, which have you caged.
The unconcern has no point when you dont care, and you have nothing to be concerned about.
The wanting hurts, because its empty, never fulfilling your need.
The fullness is nausiating because you are filled with useless junk, that eventually fades.

The only thing that makes these things worth having is your love.
Because of your love I dont have any addictions giving me freedom.
I am unconcerned about what people think, knowing that I have you.
I am wanted by you for all eternity.
I am fulfilled with something that will endure all eternity.

Now I know what it feels like to have these things, but the most important thing that I know
is that none of them are worth anything without your love.
Im sorry for running away, instead of running to you.
Im sorry for being selfish and staying lost.
Im sorry for turning everything I ever worked for into nothing.
And thank you for never leaving my side.

wow....

so today I was thinking about Juan.
a baby at the clinic.
I remember when i picked him up, everyone stared laughing at me, and i didnt understand.
they told me that i wouldnt be able to put him down, i still didnt understand.
so i put him down, and he began to cry and scream.
he was so desperate to be in my arms, so i picked him up right away, i could feel his little fingers twisting in my shirt he was so desperate as he clinged to me.
he was so scared and fragile, it was like he needed me.
so today i was thinking why cant we be like that, as christians.
why cant we be so desperate for god, why is that everytime we get pulled away from god we go with the current instead of fighting against it.
why cant we scream and fight and cling to him with all our strength.
I want that, i want to be so desperate for him that i am scared to let go
that i will scream and cry and fight to stay in his arms.
i want to know that i need him that much. I want to feel my arms get sore and my fingernails bleed from the strength that i use to cling to him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yesterday I went to the mall.
and i went to kiosuko, a store.
and i was looking through the shirts and i found one that said
Give God Your BEST, Not Whats LEFT
for some reason i cant forget that. so i began to really think about it.
I used to say...
god i will give all that i have left
but i realized why would he want that? yeah i guess thats better than nothing.
But i truly began to realize that god knows when your broken he knows what you think he knows your every sin. But he also knows your best, even when you are you broken you can always be healed, you can always rebuild therefore you can give your best. You are never permenately broken.
Christians these days are so imperfect and broken, and i guess thats the way they are supposed to be.
i believe a christian is someone that can set an example.
If you look at christians they have all sinned they have all messed up, dating back to when Jesus was alive.

todays christians, well the majority are people who have done drugs, had sex, watched porn, have cut have had some kind of problem.
what makes them christians is the fact that they have gotten up, realized their convictions, said theyre wrong, asked for forgiveness, never looked back and moved on.

everyone is a hypócrite everyone falls down and everyone screws up, but giving your best is learning and setting a example. God seeks that, god seeks your best, not the broken junk thats left behind.

Some of the best christians i know are people who have struggled with things like that, what makes me look up to them is that fact that they know they were wrong, they are not ashamed to talk about it and they set the example of a person who has overcome those problems. A person who loves christ enough to change. A person who has choosen to be pulled out of the ordinary and have become extraordinary.

And yes, you know what they keep messing up but what matters is that they ask forgiveness and learn... even if that means it takes more than two times, the true christians learns and ask for forgiveness and moves on.

So those who say that they dont like christians because they are hypocrites, dont really have a reason. You are hypocrites as well,, you are no more perfect than us. Just because we mess up doesnt make us bad christian. If people who are hypocrites werent allowed to be christians, im pretty sure that christians wouldnt exist.

02/26/09

coming down
coming down
coming down

spinning round
spinning round
spinning round

why is it all coming down?
I built these walls so they could withstand.
the pain that I did not want to brand
in the memory that plays in my head.
in constant replay, when will the silence drown it away.


Why do i stay awake until five in the morning
fearing to shut my eyes, scared it will be the end.
i fear the images i see in my head, scared that my nightmares will be born again.
feeling the emptiness inside, i wish that it would die.


It comes and goes ........... ...........
and when i finally think i have broken through, the foundations i have built crumble and fold.


WHY?

why does my work go to waste?
playing happy so they can see a change...
but inside im dying, oh how i wish i were lying.
the more i try pushing it away, the harder it comes crashing back.
Like an elastic band, it has a painful whiplash.
it constantly leaves me battered bruised and bleeding.

i try, why wont these habits just die.
i try but i can only go so long, until my thirst leaves me in an accident i wish i could reverse.
i cant trust myself anymore, i thought i should let you know.

in a couple of days i will be facing reality, ..... my reality
to face the things i tried to outrun, the feelings that hurt so bad to feel.


Today has been two years since i have felt this way
two years since i have shed these tears
two years since i felt this pain
two years since my heart almost lost its beat
two years since i almost lost my privledge to breath

i cant do anything but keep my strength
even though it falters, my fight will keep going only ending when i cant give anymore
what else can i offer, my life has value
maybe not to the ones that hurt me, including myself
but my life values, if not God would have taken it away.

i cant offer anything else, except for my word that I will try my best.

what if i always knew...
what if i cant make it stop...
what if its too much to take...
what if i dont know that much...

i dont understand whats happening
i cant seem to think straight
i dont want to feel like i used to
i pray its not too late

what if i fail again...
what if i go weak....
what if your not there...
and theres nothing to keep me from the sleep...

i cant see the light anymore
the darkness blinds my sight
i dont want to get lost
or bleed for the need hide
i cant stay any longer
because all i do it fall apart
i need to be shielded from the evil i cant ungaurd


what if i stay blind
and ignore the help inside...
what if i wont see the things i need to believe...
what if you wont be there...
and i choose to decieve...
what if they strip me naked...
and i am forced to bleed...

education

I have never really cared for an education, nor did I ever think I was blessed to have it. I always thought that I would finish high school and go to college just to please my parents. I have a comfortable life in Alabama, I have a car, a house, clothes, a cellphone all of those non escential material things. All those things that I once thought as escential I realize are not.Some people freak out about the economic problems we are facing. Scared that they will have to cut back on buying clothes or cars, the non-escential things. Here I think about my homeland, Paraguay, a third world country. I think about how hard it will be for them. The United States suffered serverly in the Great Depression, but in the places known as a third world country they live daily in a great depression. What we thought was impossible and horrible for us, is what these people see everyday.Dont get me wrong, I know that the United States has poverty, but no where close to the extent as these countries have. Seeing children on the streerts begging for money or food makes me want to make a change, makes me need a change. I intend to go to a great college so I can get an education so I can be the change I want to see in this world.My sister wrote an Essay to Vassar college explaining these situations our country as well as many others face. Her essay made me realize that I should not take for granted that I have an opportunity to get and education, nor will I let it pass me by.We have both lived very comfortable lives, but she has had the chance to actually see the poverty up close. Now that I have seen it I will not forget, nor will I ever stop trying to help these countries. We can all do more, we know that we can.So why dont we do it?

change

I have noticed that things change, a lot.
The friendships that were once strong begin to lose their strength.
We grow, and that means we also grown apart.

Your values change they can grow or they can fade.
Your perspective of wrong and right can begin to blur.
The life you once had planned out can be turned upside down.

You can become brave or turn into a coward.
You can stand up for what you believe in or decide to keep quiet.

What I have noticed is that most of the time people change for the bad.
They begin to not care, they dont feel the same things that they did before.
The relationships that they have worked so hard to get dont matter to them anymore.
They were once so good and now they are just invisible, they used to stand out, they used to stand for something, now they just blend in.

why?

Why would you give up something that was actually important something that was so special and intimate? Why would you give up on the one relationship that wont let you down, that wont hurt you?

Life was made for you to screw up. Life was made hard so you would learn, not so you could lay down and die, hold up the white flag. Life is a challenge, its a competition against yourself so you can better yourself. Instead we are regressing, instead of progressing we give up too easily on the important stuff and conform to living simple, unfullfilled, boring, normal, stupid lives. If God wanted things to be easy for us he would have made it that way, God made life difficult so we can find a life worth living, worth fighting for. A life where you dont fight for something is not a life. If everything got handed to you if you never worked for anything, do you really think that would be a life?

When we fight for something it means that it has a significance, it means something to you.
It means enough that you are willing to give up certain things, certain people, certain addictions.


I dont understand I am sick of it. I tired of the whinning and the ¨ its too hard¨ or the ¨you dont understand¨ If people would stop the procrastinations it would give them enough time to accomplish something something important instead of wasting their breath on complaining.

People think that relationships are soo hard, they arent they should be easy when its right. Dont get me wrong they are difficult but a relationship worth having is a relationship that can be accomodated it is filled with respect and trust. So many people ask why is my relationship so sucky LOOK AT YOUR OWN LIVES.

If you live a life where you have no values where you dont have respect where you dont have a purpose, how is your relationship, any kind of relationship supposed to function? Your relationship will reflect what kind of a person you are. If you live a healthy life you will have a healthy relationship, but it has to be healthy for both of the people. If you have values if you have respect if you have a purpose and you are with someone who doesnt care who doesnt have values who think they deserve stuff because they say so, you WILL NOT have a relationship, at least one worth having.


Everything is based on choice, God gave us a precious gift called FREEDOM.

so why is it impossible for us to use it for something good, maintain something that is difficult but so worth it in the end, something worth fighting for?

i have been thinking about relationships

that maybe they reflect ourselves
for example if you are in a really crappy and unhealthy relationship, any kind of relationship.
It reflects yourself, how you live your life and how you care about yourself...
if you live your life by letting someone use you and your body, you obviously dont care enough to stop them, and you clearly think that its okay to live your life that way...

My journey that i started in September has taught me one thing, that in your life the order of your priorities should be this:
1. You
2. You
and last but not least
3. You

for example...

For me my priorities are:
1. ME and MY relationship with God
2. Learning from MY past and MY mistakes.
3. Learning to love people with all MY heart not expecting anything in return.

because at the end of the day its your life and you can choose to sit on your lazy butt and watch life pass taking the easy, unhealthy and unfulfilling path or getting out there and living a happy healthy and unregretable life, not letting ANYTHING hold you back.

I choose to be open with my past, my present and my future because I would rather you know me and make your mind up about me. Yes, I have done some bad things in my life and you may form your opinion on me by what people who think they know me tell you or what goes through the school or church.

My past:
So i did drugs, smoked a couple of packs a day, drank the night away, was in a really unhealthy relationship, protected those who didnt deserve it, lied, cut myself and hurt the people who love me the most, and I didnt really care for religion.

My present:
Im CLEAN, I CHOOSE to be alone, I TELL you if or WHEN I dont like things, I will TRY my hardest not to hurt myself, and I REFUSE to hurt the ones that love me. I have LEARNED who truly cares for me. MY LIFE is based on a RELATIONSHIP with God not a religion. I LET only the people who make me healthy in MY LIFE. I dont CARE who you are or what you do, i wont conform to your rules. I am BLESSED for having the family I have. I am in CONTROL of MY life.


My future:
I will continue to be SOBER, My life will FULFILL Gods plans for me. I will HAVE a strong and HEALTHY relationship with God. I will be HAPPY. I will be CLOSER to my family. I will be PROUD of MYSELF. I wont REGRET my LIFE.


The things that I have once thought impossible have been proved to be distractions to hold me back because I was too tired or I was too scared or it was too hard. Life is what you choose to make of it.

One of the reasons why i came here to South America was to get to know someone, who I have recently come to love alot. This person had an incredibly HARD and ROUGH childhood and has grown living his life in the past. Because he cant get over these things, it has deprived him of a life worth living. He cannot maintain a relationship with his family, with his friends or even with his children. He cant be sober for more than two days and he does not have the capability of loving someone long enough to care for them, and I believe that is because he cannot love himself.

He does not care enough about himself to stay sober, to stop the drugs or at least to stop driving drunk, this man does not value his life.

But he has to have the biggest heart, he is a good man, People love him, He is easily loveable, he values his family and his friends and his children, just not enough to change.

This man has taught me about life... about the way i refuse to live my life.

he has used every excuse in the book to explain to me why he is the way he is. But i am living proof that you can turn the page you can forgive you can move one and you can turn a life that was like a hell on earth a meaningless, loveless useless life into a beautiful, loving and meaningful heaven on earth.

My love for this person will never perish nor lessen I know it will only grown over time, just like my hope for him. My hope that he will overcome this, that he will open his eyes and see them his four children, his family and his friends who care so much for him.


I know that only love can save him, and have learned that I am willing to forgive, I am willing to obey, and I am willing to love unconditionally even though I know it might not be returned...

because , I know I might die never seeing him change, But at least i will have the satisfaction of knowing i tried.

help-

so, i haven´t been able to sleep.
the past couple of nights all i could think about is the clinic i went to.
this clinic is not in the best condition, and all i think about is how i can help them.
The clinic has two places where kids who have been lift behind or have been abused stay.
They also take in children who have AIDS/HIV. I sat there with this baby boy in my arms, who is HIV positive. And he was the most beautiful child i have ever seen.
He laid there in my arms staring at me. He is so helpless. This clinic, like i said is not in good condition, and they dont have any money, sometimes they dont have enough to buy the medication these babies need to literally survive. The only money they get is what churches can raise, which is not alot. Paraguay is a poor country that doesn´t have the right of fundings to help those in need. There are poor people everywhere on the streets, children dont go to school because they are staying on the streets washing windshields or seeling fruit so they can make enough money to buy something to eat.

These children are so happy when they literally have nothing. So if you read this and have any ideas in ways I can help this children please tell me.

I wont leave until I can do something for these children. I believe God has placed this on my heart, because he believes i can do something for them.



I just pray that i dont let them down.