church.example.change its long but I believe its worth it.

church was good, It kinda made me sad though.
I see all the stuff I wish would go away.
I want to kick myself every time. I honestly wonder if things would be this way if I would've stayed, or if they would be how it used to be, if it would be better. I was solid in my beliefs and my actions proved that. I was an example that I was proud of. Now, Im... working on it? No, I am working on it, Im struggling. It feels like Im in an ocean caught in the rip current, and no matter how hard I kick it doesnt help. Its like I see the shore and its covered with people, so why wont they help? I cant do this by myself, My guilt is the water that is filling my lungs, it cuts off all oxygen. As I sit floating in the sea, the shore gets no closer but neither does it drift away. I see all around me and Im not alone. And that scares me the most. Again the water fills my lungs. Their faces are permeated with blindness. Inside and out they're blind they're so saturated in this filth in this sin, its a dead end. At least I know that Im running on empty and I know I'll drown. They're so saturated they dont, they wont. I know they'll stay here until they drown. Seeing their heads slowly sink to the bottom, is my biggest fear. They are so intoxicated it scares me. These were the people who stood out, who made a difference, who were truly in love with him... they were the real deal.Together we would pave the path to a better future, to a life worth living. I feel like Im the one who made them this way, or at least let them get so lost.
I was solid.
I was filled with faith.
I was the person they'd come to.
I was the best friend.
I was the example.

Maybe if I would have stayed, if I wasnt so weak. Things wouldnt be so messed up right now. We could all be here, we could feel the love we once knew so well, we could be the examples we were meant to be.

Im sorry. I feel like the biggest failure. How can I make them see. Im tired of watching them drown. Im so scared that it will be too late. It makes me sick to know that they cant see him dancing, crying, pleading for them to come back. All he wants is them, how he thirsts for them. Why cant they see?

There is a difference between people who are lost and others who are ignorant.
You cant help, someone who doesnt want it.Ignorance is a choice. They use people for the attention, they arent serious. You cant lose something you never had. They make problems, they play damsel in distress always wanting someone to come save them. God has a plan for them. Its a long and hard lesson that he will teach them. These kinds of people feed off of the attention they are given and they will dramatize everything and anything to get it. They fake the most valuable relationship anyone could ever have, they put on a show. And I believe God's plan begins when people stop playing along. You have to know he will change them, it may take longer and it may break them.. but thats the point. You cant look up until you have hit rock bottom. And Im tired of people beating themselves up for not being able to help, or change them. Its not your place to, God knows when they're serious and thats when the lessons begin to take motion.
And then there is the lost. These people arent ignorant, they are blind. Gods love is concealed by worldly things to them. These are the people who need our help. These are the people who have once had or have once questioned God's love, if its real.. if its worth having. They just need to be shown that his love is attainable, that it can be rekindled. That there is never an expiration date. These are the people worth investing time in. They can be serious about this relationship. They can be the difference this world needs. They just need someone who cares, someone to be the example.

I find myself screaming in the middle of the night, crying as I watch them sink. I want to be the one that helps bring them the lifeline, that gives them back that breath if life. I want to witness their faces as they begin to see the light.